Sometimes, I think that I’m not any good at all

I feel like I would like to be somewhere else, doing something that matters.
And, I’ll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather.

What’s the purpose?
It feels worthless, so unwanted, like I’ve lost all my value.
I can’t find it, not in the least bit, and I’m just scared, so scared, that I’ll fail you.

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all.
And sometimes I wonder, “Why? Why I’m even here at all?

But then you “assure” me.

I’m a little more than useless!
And when I think that I can’t do this,
you “promise” me that I’ll get through this and do something right.
“Do something right for once!”

So I say, “If I can’t do something significant, I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted.
And nothing trivial that life could give me will measure up to what might have replaced it.”

Too late. Look.
My date book is packed full of days that were empty and now gone.
And I bet, the regret will prove to get me to improve in the long run.

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all.
And sometimes I wonder, “Why? Why I’m even here at all?”

But then You assure me.

I’m a little more than useless,
And when I think that I can’t do this,
You promise me that I’ll get through this and do something right.
Do something right for once.

I’m a little more than useless!
And, I never knew I knew this was gonna be the day.
Gonna be the day that I would do something right.
Do something right for once.

I noticed.
I know this week is a symbol of how I use my time.
Resent it?
I spent it convincing myself the world’s doing just fine without me doing anything of any consequence,
Without me showing any sign of ever making sense of my time.
It’s my life, and my right to use it like I should,
Like He would, for the good of everything that I would ever know.

I’m a little more than useless!
When I think that I can’t do this,
You promise me that I’ll get through this and do something right.
Do something right for once!

I’m a little more than useless!
And I never knew I knew this was gonna the day.
Gonna be the day that I would do something right.

Do something right for once.

More Than Useless” by Relient K, from Mmhmm


I highly recommend this entire album. It is probably my favorite collection of music ever. I’m not kidding. I’ve listened to these lyrics so many times that I have the entire album memorized in my mind. I can hear just about every instrumental part and vocal harmony/melody of every song, in order, of most of Relient K’s discography, actually. I love these guys. I can’t stress that enough. This song in particular has helped me deal with my suicidal thoughts at times.

That’s what I want to talk about today.

Suicide.

With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I can’t remain silent about my own struggles anymore. I have to help you get through these same thoughts that I have had, friends. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a young teenager, and I have fought the urge to make a plan every single time. I’m going to share one Bible verse in particular that has helped me in conjunction with the song above.


Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah the prophet, Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV)


I run out of spoons a lot. For those who aren’t familiar with the “Spoon Theory“, the basic idea is that people with chronic or debilitating illnesses have a limited amount of energy to spend during the day. Most people can recharge this energy through social activity, short rest, some coffee, or any number of things that help them restore the “pep in their step” if you will.

I…can’t do this. I have to take an hour-long nap (at least) if I want to be able to recharge a few spoons. I’ve run out of spoons after only being awake for three hours before. I’ve woken up with 0 spoons. It’s a frustrating cycle of low energy and lots of responsibility accompanied with excruciating self-doubt and low self-esteem. At least, it used to be. I’m doing much better now.

I wouldn’t have been able to get there without God.

What got me through those moments of deepest pain and struggle was my family. For a long time, I clung to my family as the best example of love that I had ever seen. Especially my mother. I can’t even begin to describe the pedestal I had my mother on for a good while (sorry, mom). That was enough to keep me from killing myself in the past. I could never do that to my mother. I could never leave my siblings without their brother. I could never leave my father without one last chance to tell me he loved me and return from his absenteeism.

And…it’s my father that brings me to my main point here. I thought it was my dad being absent from my life all along. I thought my family members were avoiding me all along. I “knew” they loved me, but I didn’t really believe it in my actions. “Faith without works is dead.” If I believe my family loves me, why wouldn’t I talk to them? Why wouldn’t I accept them? If I don’t believe that, then of course I would shut myself off from them permanently.

Because I thought my earthly father was absent from my life, I struggled with thinking that my heavenly Father was also absent. I couldn’t feel that my dad loved me. I couldn’t feel that God loved me. I didn’t know for sure that my dad cared whether or not I lived or died. I didn’t know for certain that God even existed. I was absent from the lives of my family and friends, because I really didn’t believe they loved me.

That’s bullshit.

People love me. A lot of people love me.

God loves me infinitely more.

When I realized that I was absent from the lives of those closest to me, I realized I was also attempting to be absent from God’s life. That’s impossible, though. Everything is God’s life. My life is God’s life. I gave it to Him long ago, and I don’t have any good reason to take it back (even if I could). Everything I have is God’s. Everything I am is God’s.

So, I gave myself back to God and put myself back into His story. Then, I was able to put myself back into other people’s story, because I was no longer writing my own story. I wasn’t the protagonist. I didn’t decide who was or wasn’t in the narrative of my life’s journey. They were already a part of my “book,” and I can’t neglect the people who have affected my life over the years.

To neglect the people who have been in my life, even partly, is to neglect part of myself. Every person I meet leaves a mark on me. Every person I meet changes me in some way. Not every person may love me, but that’s okay. I love them. And God loves them.

And God loves me.

And God loves you.

Please, friend, don’t ever forget that God loves you. I love you. Many, many people love you and would be incredibly lost and sad if you were to take your own life. There are ways to get help. I hope this song and this Bible verse and my story can help you find help.

Please get help. If you need to talk to someone, you can always talk to me. And you can always talk to God. And you should always be able to talk to your friends and family members, even when you may not feel like that is the case. “Don’t think everything you feel. Don’t believe everything you think.”

And please…I can’t stress this last part enough.

“Don’t act on everything you think or feel.”

I love you. We love you. We want to help.

Peace and love, friends. ❤

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Sometimes, I think that I’m not any good at all

Add yours

  1. Thank you so much for writing this post…people need to know that God loves them and other people loves them. The Enemy of their souls wants to blind them to these things. We need to hang on to God…He is Enough…He is more than Enough…He is Everything!
    We have to get our value and worth from Him. He loved us enough to die for us, that ought to be enough!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. No, none of us are safe…we can all feel like we are worthless and that our lives don’t count. But our lives always count. God created each individual uniquely and only that person can add to the world in his own unique way. We always lose when someone takes their own precious life.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I met Anthony Bourdian at a book signing. The girl next to me really wanted a picture but had no money to buy a copy of the book.

    My and my husband let her jump in to our picture and Mr Bourdian autographed her laptop.

    When i read about his death I really hoped it was something like an accidental overdose.

    It’s scary that people who are so loved end up hurting themselves. You look at your own life and think “Well I’m no where near as special as he or she was.”

    But like you said, even if you feel like no one loves you, God always will. I wish more people could see that.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: